Poignant: evoking a keen sense of sadness or regret. Yes, I have been feeling poignant these days. Mostly sadness, some regret. I am filled with the knowledge that death happens. I am not pleased that I have no control over that part of my life. (As if we really have any control…).
Today could be the last day I share this earth with my mom, my siblings, my spouse, me. While I am thinking more about my mother’s mortality than mine. She is 91.5 years old. Osteoporosis, A-fib, lives alone with her dog, broke her pelvis at the end of July 2021, came home after a four-week hospital and rehab stay, only two weeks later to return to the hospital with pneumonia, sepsis, and just fighting those infections meant that that week could have been her last to share the Earth with me. That week has disrupted my thinking in ways I hadn’t even considered before. Forced me to question everything. To cry easily when alone. Distracted me from work and left me somewhat anxious but more unsettled.
And there is really nothing I can do but be present. To reach out and see her, talk to her every day. Love her. I have no control over her health, even though I can assess her spirit to a point and her attitude. However, she could just tire out from her fragility and not wake up. That scares the hell out of me. My mom has never been a quitter but…at her age, she is the matron of the family. Her own siblings have died; the cousins her age or generation have mostly passed. Her hearing and eyesight are failing. A simple operation to “un-wrinkle” her retina would help her eyesight but her eye doctor won’t do it at her age due to her reaction to a sedative eight years ago.
This could be the last day, the last September, the fall, …so each moment I attempt to be present, to cherish the sights, sounds, smells, the people. The people that I chose to spend time with since there is still semi-isolation due to the pandemic and in fact due to the fourth or is it the fifth surge? And the divisions in our country that divide and keeps the pandemic ongoing. But I digress.
I always think I have more time…
antideadfish 