You too are complicit.

If you support the 45th executive branch, the senate majority person, the speaker of the house (who is distancing himself but certainly not enough), you too are complicit.

Of what? If you have to ask, then it is worse than I imagine, worse than I read in the newspapers, hear in the news, and see in the streets. . .daily.

Complicit of racism, bigotry, idolatry, misogyny, stupidity (ignorance means you do not know any better; stupidity means you know better and don’t care), unconscionable acts let alone thoughts, deplorable inhumane treatment of  members of your own species as well as most if not all other species, and godlessness (if you believe as most of these folks do).

While the president (#45) is definitely without common courtesies and humane understanding of life, his supporters are at least as bad as he is. I shudder, I cry, but I will not back down. I will not go quietly into the night.

Resist! #NotMyPresident ever.

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Leaning in as much as I can without falling over.

Struggling with my lack of community. After being involved daily with people who need attention; who are finding their way in to the world, I went off to fulfill a goal. Goal completed but I do not have that community to go home to anymore. The community of the last 3.5 years have also completed their goals and have moved on. I felt like I needed to finish a project that I felt responsible for; project completed but I signed a contract for 9 months (not pregnancy but the irony is not lost), but the work is done in 5 months. And I have asked for guidance only to find that “I am on the right track.” Great.

Twelve applications later, six interviews, one call back, and four job searches suspended without hiring.  When I came here people questioned why at “my age” I would pursue a doctorate. The answer: because I want one and they are paying me to do this. What are you going to do with it? My adviser, my committee all said anything you want with your experience, your background, your abilities. I would like to think that it isn’t me, that it was the circumstances. But it really could be my cover letter, my experience is too much for what they want which makes me expensive, I am not assertive, or my age.

Truth. I am reluctant. I am older. I do know what it takes to establish oneself; I am willing to do the work; but when not given a chance? I also was established and when I left basically was told “don’t let the door hit you on the way out.” At least that is how I felt when people asked my opinion or my understanding of historic decisions made in the organization. Soon I found out that several of my colleagues and “friends” are not nice and may have been instrumental in the push out the door.

Life goal? Accomplished.

Drifting though to find my new place and it isn’t easy. But then only dead fish go with the flow. . .

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Not My President

I suppose I should be less political on social media. However as many have said, but Martin Luther King Jr. said it just fine: “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent on things that matter.” He also said “Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”

I am old enough to know that most people have already made up their minds though and that my position on an issue may not change their minds; however, I will not lose for failure to fight or from fear. I also want those who are scared to speak up to know where they can feel safe in their beliefs, convictions, and will not be attacked.

Yet, I have cut back-at least on social media. Might not help me find employment when this present gig, which is temporary, ends and I need to find work elsewhere.

I am embarrassed but not by my actions but by those who continue to defend racism, supremacy, misogyny, perversion, and truly by doing nothing are normalizing this fool.  I resist and I am resilient. I will not lose sight of who I am and who I want to be just because 33% or less of the USA citizens feel their time for entitlements have come. Boy will they be surprised!

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Complicit: involved with others in an illegal activity or wrongdoing. (

Am I complicit for not speaking out against wrong? Good question.

Daily, I want to scream out, “What is wrong with you people?”

Who are the “you people?” Those who support president #45. Those who see nothing wrong with sexual predation, pedophilia, as long as their party or agenda moves forward. Those who espouse their religious values and morals yet turn their back on the golden rule, their own religious values for personal gain, for love of political party instead of their god or their country or their spouses, their children, their morals.

I was raised Christian in a specific church. I converted to another Christian sect. I no longer belong to any cult that espouses that their sect is the “real” one favored by god. Instead the spirituality of nature and humans fill me with awe, peace, and passion. Christians who tell me they support this politician or that one, disregarding their misdeeds, their disregard to the ten commandments or the golden rule, well they aren’t really Christian but instead are swayed by the greed of power or money or both.

Other religious beliefs-I feel the same. If they ignore their religious teachings for their personal gain of power or money or both, well they are probably liars like their Christian counterparts.

Those who have no religious following at least have one honest characteristic going for them; however, that doesn’t mean they are free from greed. Nope. Greed-for anything is unacceptable. And that is what I see as what is wrong with our world, particularly in USA at this time. Sad.

Oops, I guess I am greedy for honesty, trustworthy politicians and leaders, for truth, and for decency. Hmm. . .now that is a conundrum. . .sadly.

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Completion is Imminent

I defended my dissertation this past week successfully. My committee only asked for me to clean up the typos, a few edits for clarification or correction of format. I am the one who wants to add a table or two. Wow. That means I did a good job. I am still thinking about that.

Why do I have to think about that? Why can’t I accept that, yes, I did a good job, at least content wise and overall writing. But I see 50 typos in 50 pages and wonder what else did I miss.

Yes, there is a syndrome this relates to: Impostor Syndrome. I have suffered from this for a long time; partly because I don’t always feel that I fit in wherever I am; I am not a “real” teacher because I didn’t  dream of being a teacher all of my life; yet, I worked very hard, spend time and money to improve my own understanding of pedagogy and content; to help my students, to be able to teach the more effective way science should be taught. But I didn’t set in the teacher’s lounge discussing sponsoring prom and looking at all of the cool prom catalogs like some teachers do; I didn’t volunteer to learn and then do the books for sporting events (although I did coach-two sports, boys & girls, so is that really 4 sports?); I did class sponsor, and club sponsor, and tutored and was at school later in the evenings after sports practice to help students, and you may have an image of me. I also had no children of my own, so school was my life, both as a teacher and as a student.

These past few years working on my doctorate, I am a non-traditional student. I have a good retirement and could live off it for a long time; I do not need to work. But I want to; I do not think I am done, I can continue to contribute but I digress. I don’t hang out with the students 20-30 years younger than I; I am not trying to score networking points, I am just me. I have not been actively involved in many graduate student activities-I have no desire to go out with half a dozen grad students who sit at a table far away from the band so as to not be disturbed by the noise for conversations and then have them texting each other at the table as well as friends not present. What? Nope not me cup of tea.

I am married. I have friends, professionally. I have connections. I know who I am and what I want to accomplish with this degree and the next 8-10 years or so of employment before I really consider retirement. Does this make me an impostor?

Proud of my accomplishments. Yes, I am. Sometimes though it has been very lonely. Many weekends spent alone. Many hours of alone time working long hours and then saying enough. But then that last 24 hours before a deadline working frantically it seems even though I have been working mentally all along, writing in my mind, writing on the computer and now finally polishing. Yes, perhaps I should have not taken that time off and instead  I should have stayed at the computer working.

My adviser called me a scholar. I hope so but if so why do I not live and breathe this 24/7? Balance? Yes, sometimes. More often than not, talking myself into believing I can do this. Then realizing I can and feeling badly for being arrogant and/or questioning of my abilities.

We women do this to ourselves but why? That is the question and while I have read many, many things about this, I we still do this to ourselves. Even if intellectually I know that I am just as capable as another person, male or female. But under stress or times of uncertainty, it is easy to slip back into bad habits and society’s expectations. Every day feeling stronger but that is the light at the end of the tunnel shining on me and I can see completion soon.

Silly girl, no silly woman, no silly person.

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Long Few Months

I was on a good monthly even bi-weekly posting streak but then this semester happened. I finished a draft of my dissertation that was accepted by my committee and I defend in less than two weeks. However, the time writing and not writing has taken its toll on my body-physically and mentally and I crashed about two days ago. Slept for almost 24 hours in the last 48, but not continuously. Breathe deeply, release, repeat.

First, the political scene is just too much: two much ineptitude, too much disgust, too much attack on everyone but the very, very rich. I have had to delete so many “news” groups and stick with traditional mainstream news and even then selectively.

Second, my gosh the climate and weather! Friends affected by one of the many hurricanes and let’s just say Puerto Rico deserves so much more. I have donated what I can since my income has been severely restricted this fall. Puerto Rico was my last straw of any hope that the political entities would do any good.

Third, Vegas shooting happened. Former student, family, all safe but barely. I do not like substituting profanity for strong English words, but WTF is going on with governments that they cannot see what is better for humans????

When it is all done and said, my sacrifices to obtain my doctorate are nothing compared to the natural and unnatural disasters. I have access to monies if I have to and I finally had to, even though I signed a contract for a salary this semester 5-6 weeks ago (depends on whether counting business days or 7-day weeks), as nothing has arrived in. And even that has taken a strange turn as instead of direct deposit a checked is mailed to my home address, not my student address. And transferring monies to my student account takes forever. But I have monies so I cannot complain. I even paid one oh my credit card accounts (I only have two) extra so I am using that credit to live off this month. I am not good at using a credit card to purchase food. . .but I do.

So many changes in “normal” operating routine because I didn’t finish my degree this summer. As I said it could be worse. . .and my complaining is just nothing compared to those who really have hardships in life.

The longing to be home with my family though wears me down into a darkness that only music and exercise can pull me back out. So darn it getting healthier!

Long two months since my last post, but more than surviving! Excelling. . . and meeting goals of a life-time dream.

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Idiocracy: not just a movie

I choose to believe that there are people in our current regime that will stop the president’s bullying, especially of Kim jong Un. But not seeing it.

Why won’t someone stop this insane, narcissistic’s idiot behavior? As a citizen, I wish I could invoke a citizen’s arrest for his stupidity and ignorance of compassion, diplomacy, and how to interact with others.

I have resisted. I have been patient. I have read the Constitution and Bill of Rights more times in the last six months than any other time in my life. But I do not see anywhere how I can take any (more than voting and speaking up and out) action to remove him and his regime from his debacle of “leadership.”

I drew a red line a long time ago with this person but without money to buy him off, I have little power to stop this madness. Dr. Strangelove* or how I learned to love the bomb keeps replaying in my head this day.

*Thank you Debbie Mack for posting this on youtube.

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