Leaning in as much as I can without falling over.

Struggling with my lack of community. After being involved daily with people who need attention; who are finding their way in to the world, I went off to fulfill a goal. Goal completed but I do not have that community to go home to anymore. The community of the last 3.5 years have also completed their goals and have moved on. I felt like I needed to finish a project that I felt responsible for; project completed but I signed a contract for 9 months (not pregnancy but the irony is not lost), but the work is done in 5 months. And I have asked for guidance only to find that “I am on the right track.” Great.

Twelve applications later, six interviews, one call back, and four job searches suspended without hiring.  When I came here people questioned why at “my age” I would pursue a doctorate. The answer: because I want one and they are paying me to do this. What are you going to do with it? My adviser, my committee all said anything you want with your experience, your background, your abilities. I would like to think that it isn’t me, that it was the circumstances. But it really could be my cover letter, my experience is too much for what they want which makes me expensive, I am not assertive, or my age.

Truth. I am reluctant. I am older. I do know what it takes to establish oneself; I am willing to do the work; but when not given a chance? I also was established and when I left basically was told “don’t let the door hit you on the way out.” At least that is how I felt when people asked my opinion or my understanding of historic decisions made in the organization. Soon I found out that several of my colleagues and “friends” are not nice and may have been instrumental in the push out the door.

Life goal? Accomplished.

Drifting though to find my new place and it isn’t easy. But then only dead fish go with the flow. . .


About mentaldiva

Only dead fish go with the flow--I am not swimming upstream all the time, but I certainly do not merely go with the flow either. Professional female with expectations of equity living in a redneck community needing to express herself!
This entry was posted in 2018, Life. Bookmark the permalink.

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